scrapbook_romance's Datingish

The Forbidden Shirt

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 21:31:12 GMT

As the title suggests, there is a shirt of mine that I can no longer wear. Not because it's too small, too big, stained, or in any way defective.

I can't wear this shirt anymore because it's the shirt I was wearing when my ex (the guy I had loved for 4 years and who FINALLY requited my feelings) kissed me for the first time. It probably doesn't help that it was the first time I had ever worn the shirt, so that is now the only memory I have associated with it.

That relationship ended...just horrifically. It broke my heart. I cried every morning and every night for a week. I even missed a day of school because I couldn't stop hysterically crying. It was a really bad time for me, probably the worst I've ever felt in my life, and that shirt is now somehow symbolic of all of the pain, hurt, and lies. I haven't been able to bring myself to wear it again. I can't even look at it without that sinking feeling in my chest.

I just feel so crazy. I mean, it's just a shirt! It shouldn't be such a big deal, but I just can't get it out of my head!

Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this with an item connected to a past relationship?

Thirtieth Time's the Charm!

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 12:44:02 GMT

My boyfriend of a year and a half has this annoying habit of getting angry at me whenever I'm upset. He's always done it, but we've hit a bit of a rough patch the past few months, so naturally it's increased.

He will say or do something hurtful and the second I try and talk to him about it (explain that I'm hurt, why, etc, NOT yell at him) he gets EXTREMELY angry and defensive. I've questioned him about this response several times and usually he just gets mad at that too, but the few times he's actually stayed calm he's explained that he's just a pretty insecure person and perceives anything like that as an attack, thus he dives in to defend himself.

I've talk to him about this problem time and time again, and he consistently says he will work on it, but nothing ever changes, not even in the slightest.

Earlier this week, when he was starting in on me (again), I reached my breaking point. I explained to him that if he can't control himself and keep his promise to stop it, then I'm going to have to assume he simply cannot fix it and leave him because I cannot handle my trust being violated and being let down again and again and again anymore. To this he replied that he would work on it, really try and work on it (What was he doing before, exactly? Fake working on it??), and he apologied and such, all the things I had heard a thousand times before.

My question to all of you at the Datingish community is:

Is there a point (and if so, where?) that you stop letting someone let you down and let them go??

Red vs. Blue

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 20:21:32 GMT

Do your politics ever cause problems in your relationships?

I just wanna check if I'm the only one.

Dating with Children

Wed, 06 May 2009 17:51:17 GMT

So yesterday the two other servers I was working with (Shannah and Tamala) were talking about their families and I learned that both of them are single mothers.

Tamala is 38 and has two kids (17 year old boy, 13 year old girl) from two different men, both of whom she married and then divorced. Both men are still in her life and they both claimed the kids equally, none of that "My son, not my daughter" stuff. The men even hang out together! She is pretty much done with marriage though, even though she admitted that having someone would be nice. Right now at this stage in her life, all she needs is her kids, and she really does seem happy.

Shannah is 24 and has two young daughters. Like Tamala, her kids are from two different dads, but Shannah has never been married. She is currently dating the father of her youngest daughter, and, like Tamala, both of the men love both kids and hang out together.

Both of these women seem fairly happy, Tamala especially, and...as strange as it may seem...I'm kinda jealous. When I was about...13 I realized that, while I did want kids, being married just didn't appeal to me. I'm far too independent for that. I would rather it just be me and my kids. I wouldn't mind dating, but a long-term (1yr +) relationship? Marriage? I'm just not sure. I get bored after awhile, and I would like to have my own life, my own decisions, etc. If I want to paint the living room blue, I don't want to have to go through a week of discussion first.

Do any of you aspire to be single-mothers? Anybody think I'm crazy?

Ancient at 18

Mon, 04 May 2009 16:05:57 GMT

As the title suggests, I am 18 years old. I'll be 19 in June. I just finished my first year of college.

And a friend of mine from high school just got engaged.

He was in my class! I've known him since we were 11! I've known him through braces and mommy-approved bowl cuts. I've known all his past girlfriends, including his...fiance. OMG he has a fiance!!!

Now, this girl is 2 grade levels older than him (she transferred and skipped a grade and whatever else, but she's not 2 years older), so I can kind of understand it...kind of, but it is totally freaking me out that someone from my senior class is comfortable committing to one person for the rest of their life! They are really good for eachother and he is extremely mature for his age, but I still think it's a tad soon for him to be making that decision, even though he will be 20 in August (I'm young for my grade, yea I know). For her it isn't though, so again, I understand. Age doesn't really matter much to me anyway. It's just a number and, if they make it work, great for them. They have just as good a chance as anybody.

What's freaking me out is not when he's engaged, but that someone from my class can be engaged! I am old enough for that to be possible!! Now, I have been with my current bf for a year and a half, only a few months shy of how long the newly engaged couple have been together, and I am no where near ready for that commitment. At all. I know everyone is different and I will be ready in my own time, but I still can't help but feel like I'm falling behind. Like life is just one big ticking clock...and my watch is slow. I mean, I could be attending their wedding in a year or so (I don't actually know what the date is, but I figure it will be soon after she finishes college)!

Have any of you ever felt like this, whether it be a friend getting engaged or something else?

The Inappropriate Guy-"Friend"

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:05:02 GMT

There always seems to be that one guy that makes your bf nervous. The guy that is always around you, fake flirting with you, perhaps even making joking advances, and your bf does not like him. At all.

In my case, it's actually a mutual friend of my bf and I who is really just the sweetest, most shy creature I have ever seen, but for some reason when he's talking just to me or if he's texting, he'll joke about how he "wears the pants" in "our relationship" and that he doesn't want to be "the guy on the side" anymore so it's over and such. Basically, like we're in a relationship ourselves, and we have been joking like this since before my bf and I were even dating.

It's all in good fun, and seriously this guy would never actually do anything (he's all hung up on this other girl anyway), but my jealousy-proned bf has turned against him and now wants me to stop talking to him. I don't consider this boy to be any more than a friend, and in fact he almost brings out a sort of maternal instinct in me because he is just so darn shy, sweet, and frail (he's had a couple complex surgeries), but my bf doesn't care about any of that. It's almost like I have to choose between my bf and my good friend.

So, what do I do? Do I cut out my guy-friend (or tell him not to talk to me like that anymore or some other option), or do I tell my boyfriend to get over it?

But...you're GAY!!!

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 21:58:58 GMT

My first year of college was over as of this past Thursday (YEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!! -happy dance-), and the weekend before that I got together with some of my friends from high school. It was me and my friends Joey and Reba hanging out at Barnes & Noble (a local bookstore/cafe) and we starting joking around about how stupid we used to be a few years ago.

Okay, important background information:
Reba is a lesbian as of...about 3 years ago, and Joey has defined himself as gay for the past year or so and he was bi for a year before that.
Reba and I always had this sneaking suspicion that because Joey was the stereotypical weirdo/nerd in middle school, when he switched schools he decided he would create a new persona and that persona happened to be bi/gay. He went back and forth far too much to convince us he really was gay.
Joey left my school after 8th grade after having a crush on me for a couple years and I didn't see him for about a year. When I did finally see him again (and he was still straight) he was...well, HOTT! Yea, Joey got hott. It was insane.
Aaaand, now back to the story.

So we were talking about our collective idiocy and Reba made this random crack about how I used to have a crush on Joey. Joey laughed and then, after seeing me blanch at Reba, asked me if it was true. I had no problem admitting it, of course, considering Joey is now gay, but I noticed he didn't laugh about it quite like Reba and I did.

A few days later, Tuesday to be precise, while I am packing up my things in my dorm, I get a phone call from Joey. He very hastily asks me where I am, I tell him I'm in my dorm, and he asks me how he gets there because, apparently, he drove up to campus, which is a 45 minute drive. Yea, I'm confused, but I direct him and let him in anyway.

So there we are standing in my dorm and he straight-up asks me if I was serious about having a crush on him a few years ago. I, feeling relieved my roommate isn't here for this, laughingly said, "Yes, but what does it matter?" "Well, I had a crush on you too", he replied, looking increasingly awkward. "I know. Did you drive all the way up here to tell me that?" I'm like really confused at this point (because I'm an idiot and haven't caught on!). He whispered, "No", turned red, shuffled around a bit, and then (I swear to God) leaned in and KISSED ME!!!!

After the initial shock had worn off and I realized what the HECK was going on, I pushed him away and practically screamed, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!!".
"I-I like you..." he said, because apparently that makes a tongued assault (yea, there was tongue) okay.
My brilliant response? "But...you're GAY!!"
"I always liked you though," he replied.
"But...I'm a girl." I was entirely clueless.
"Well, that's what I mean. You're the only girl I've ever liked."
"But...you're gay."
"Except for you," he said, and then reached down and grabbed my hand.

At this point my brain literally imploded and I explained to him that this was all just way too crazy-weird for me and I thought he should go. He said he understood, left, and we didn't speak again until this past Friday.

Since then he has done nothing but talk about how much he likes me and heckle me about how I feel about him. I've tried to, as politely as possible, tell him that I am not interested in him because...well, he was gay...is gay... Oh, I don't even know anymore, and that's the reason I'm not interested.

My questions for all of you are, what is going through his mind and how do I handle this without losing a dear friend?

How Text Messaging Ruins Relationships

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 18:39:32 GMT

The title is pretty self-explanatory, therefore eliminating the need for an introduction, so I'll just dive right in!

1) No face time

I don't know about you guys, but I text with people I hardly ever talk to in "real life" as I'll call it. When I say "real life" I am including on the phone. Why? Because then you can hear expressions, tones, laughs, tears. It's just more personal, making it possible to actually carry on a relationship with someone. Clacking away on an impossibly small keypad as your main means of communication with your SO? Yea, not exactly a bonding experience.

2) I can't hear you!

Sarcasm, anger, sadness, sincerity, etc. are all impossible to distinguish within a text. This has spawned many a confusing conversation, if not an argument, between my BF and I. He thought I was mad, I was being sarcastic. I thought he was kidding, turns out he was serious. You get the idea.

3) Tic-toc, tic-toc

Again, I don't know about you guys, but I get so frustrated waiting for texts. I sent it to you 10 minutes ago and you still have not replied!! I have been waiting! Are you ignoring me? Are you busy? If you were going to be busy, why didn't you tell me instead of making me sit here for 15 minutes waiting for you to answer my question!? By the time your SO does finally respond to your text, you're in an exceeding foul mood from having to wait so long, which will likely put the conversation into a downward spiral.

4) 160 characters

There is no possible way most messages can be summarized in the small amount of words SMS messages allow, therefore forcing you to send multiple texts, a frustrating endeavor in itself. Add in the fact that your SO may interrupt your flow of messages, ask a question, or some other nuisance that requires you to type yet another messages to explain your previous ones. You are gonna get carpal tunnel and all because of that dimwitted little-... Well, you get my point.

5) What?

There is absolutely nothing more frustrating to me than having there be so much time between text messages that, when you respond, I have absolutely no idea what your response means because I cannot remember what I sent. Either I will have to flip through my "Sent" folder to find it, or I will have to ask you and then you will get frustrated, causing me to get frustrated and then YELLING ENSUES!!! Or rather, CAPSLOCK ENSUES!!

6) Tech-Not-So-Savvy

To many tales have been told about people finding things on their SOs phone that they consider to be incriminating. Whatever you find, you are likely to assume the worst and blow it out of proportion before actually talking to your SO. If there was no texting, none of this would have happened and you could have gone back to good ole' computer-snooping.

7) "we need 2 tlk"

While I have never experienced this (and, god willing, never will), I know too many people that have received the infamous text message breakup. This is so cold, so low, that it should be perfectly legal for you to go over and key their car, shave their dog, whatever! At least call, seriously!

You guys have any text messaging opinions or stories?

"I Think We Should Take A Break"

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 23:44:15 GMT

Oh the infamous "break". It always causes so much drama in a relationship (eg Ross and Rachel in Friends), but what about a break makes things so complicated?

I think the confusion/drama about "the break" comes when the two people involved have different ideas as far as what "the break" means and what you can do during "the break".

Personally, when I used "the break", I was working my way into a breakup. The guy I was with was getting very jealous and clingy, so I thought it would help to give him a chance to ease into letting go.

Now I don't think breaks always mean breakups; they can be good for relationships. Sometimes people taking a week or a month apart can help them grow closer, or help them get to know themselves a little better before they take on another person.

What seems to be the more complicated part of "the break" is what you are allowed to do during it. I'd like to think that being on a break meant that I could casually date, and nothing further. Nothing physical, nothing committed, nothing but a casual date or two, just a get-to-know-you date. That situation never came up when I was on my break with my ex, but I like to think I could have done that.

What about you guys? Have you ever done "the break"?
What were the conditions? What were the intentions?

Warning A Friend About An Ex: Good, Bad, or Ugly?

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:47:35 GMT

A friend-ish/acquaintance of mine recently got out of a 3 year relationship. We all thought they were going to get married, and then he up and breaks up with her with little to no explanation. Naturally, she was/is devastated, considering this was only a couple months ago.

Very shortly after breaking up with that guy, she started "liking" this guy named Seth, who just so happens to be my ex.

Now, allow me to lay out a few points so you don't comment on them later:
- The me/Seth breakup was not exactly amicable, but that was all him crying and begging and nothing to do with me
- We talk when we see each other and there is no particular aversion, we're just not uber close buddies
- I am so so so so so not jealous in any way, shape, or form. Seriously. Waaaay seriously.

Laura has ignored and neglected all of her friends, including her best friend Katy, in her obvious zeal to have a rebound guy. Seth has told her to lie so they can hang out and to reject everyone else so they can spend more time together, and she has. Seth has also told her that he is not at all interested in a relationship, considering he will be going hundreds of miles away for college. This is obviously nothing but a FWB situation, as he has even told Laura, so we are all at a loss as to why she continues down this road. Is she so desperate to rebound? Katy is, of course, devastated at this betrayal and has, in effect, "broken up" with Laura.

Everyone of our mutual friends have told Laura that they will not hang around the two of them if they start going out. They all at least find Seth intolerably annoying, if not absolutely despise him. I, not being particularly close to Laura and also no longer attending that school, have not said anything. There are close friends of mine that have asked me for things that could be used to get through to Laura, considering I am the only girlfriend Seth has ever had. I've been very vague and nondescript about my opinions, hoping Laura would come around without my needing to advise/interfere, but everyone's aversion to the idea is only making her more stubborn in her pursuits (high school immaturity, right?).

Personally, I find the whole situation ridiculous. If she wants to whore-it-up for a few months, desert all of her friends, and be left entirely alone when he leaves for college, that is her choice. Sometimes people need to make their own mistakes.

Trouble is, even though I am upset that she is treating my friends (I'm closer to Katy and the others than Laura) like crap and we're not particularly close, I still feel this odd sense of "acquaintance duty" or whatever you may call it.

See, Seth and I broke up for numerous reasons:
- His parents refused to accept we were dating, instead saying we were "just good friends" for our entire relationship (4 months)
- His family is very religious. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with that, but they take it up to the crazy-level, if ya know what I mean
- He is extremely moody and emotional, which may sound like the same thing, but I mean that he'll be sad and also bawling one minute, and then the next be furious and screaming at you the next
- He's clingy, always needing to be touching/talking/glued to your hip.
- He's jealous, flipping out when you get phone calls or talk to somebody else if he's not there
- He lied to his only friend (no, not exaggerating, he has one friend) about what we had/hadn't done

All of these reasons are significant, yes, but they're not what's making me consider saying something to Laura. I'm truly worried about her because Seth is a pervert. While this was years ago, and I was too young and stupid to understand it was wrong, he molested me. He didn't rape me (not for lack of trying), but molest/assault me, he did. I never said anything because, at the time, I kind of figured this is just what boyfriends/girlfriends did, but now I understand that when I said "No", that should have meant no.

I'm not like emotionally damaged by this or anything, but I know that Laura would be. She is very...innocent, sheltered, whatever you want to call it. I'm not even sure she kissed her previous boyfriend of 3 years. It took them over a year to hold hands. This would devastate her, cripple her, destroy her.

While she may get mad at me, and likely not even believe me, I still think she needs to know. Should I intervene and tell her? Is that even my place to do? Or is this one of those mistakes that she has to make and learn from herself?