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Sunday, 13 September 2009

  • The Forbidden Shirt

    As the title suggests, there is a shirt of mine that I can no longer wear. Not because it's too small, too big, stained, or in any way defective.

    I can't wear this shirt anymore because it's the shirt I was wearing when my ex (the guy I had loved for 4 years and who FINALLY requited my feelings) kissed me for the first time. It probably doesn't help that it was the first time I had ever worn the shirt, so that is now the only memory I have associated with it.

    That relationship ended...just horrifically. It broke my heart. I cried every morning and every night for a week. I even missed a day of school because I couldn't stop hysterically crying. It was a really bad time for me, probably the worst I've ever felt in my life, and that shirt is now somehow symbolic of all of the pain, hurt, and lies. I haven't been able to bring myself to wear it again. I can't even look at it without that sinking feeling in my chest.

    I just feel so crazy. I mean, it's just a shirt! It shouldn't be such a big deal, but I just can't get it out of my head!

    Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this with an item connected to a past relationship?

Thursday, 09 July 2009

  • Thirtieth Time's the Charm!

    My boyfriend of a year and a half has this annoying habit of getting angry at me whenever I'm upset. He's always done it, but we've hit a bit of a rough patch the past few months, so naturally it's increased.

    He will say or do something hurtful and the second I try and talk to him about it (explain that I'm hurt, why, etc, NOT yell at him) he gets EXTREMELY angry and defensive. I've questioned him about this response several times and usually he just gets mad at that too, but the few times he's actually stayed calm he's explained that he's just a pretty insecure person and perceives anything like that as an attack, thus he dives in to defend himself.

    I've talk to him about this problem time and time again, and he consistently says he will work on it, but nothing ever changes, not even in the slightest.

    Earlier this week, when he was starting in on me (again), I reached my breaking point. I explained to him that if he can't control himself and keep his promise to stop it, then I'm going to have to assume he simply cannot fix it and leave him because I cannot handle my trust being violated and being let down again and again and again anymore. To this he replied that he would work on it, really try and work on it (What was he doing before, exactly? Fake working on it??), and he apologied and such, all the things I had heard a thousand times before.

    My question to all of you at the Datingish community is: 

    Is there a point (and if so, where?) that you stop letting someone let you down and let them go??


     

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Wednesday, 06 May 2009

  • Dating with Children

    So yesterday the two other servers I was working with (Shannah and Tamala) were talking about their families and I learned that both of them are single mothers.

    Tamala is 38 and has two kids (17 year old boy, 13 year old girl) from two different men, both of whom she married and then divorced. Both men are still in her life and they both claimed the kids equally, none of that "My son, not my daughter" stuff. The men even hang out together! She is pretty much done with marriage though, even though she admitted that having someone would be nice. Right now at this stage in her life, all she needs is her kids, and she really does seem happy.

    Shannah is 24 and has two young daughters. Like Tamala, her kids are from two different dads, but Shannah has never been married. She is currently dating the father of her youngest daughter, and, like Tamala, both of the men love both kids and hang out together.

    Both of these women seem fairly happy, Tamala especially, and...as strange as it may seem...I'm kinda jealous. When I was about...13 I realized that, while I did want kids, being married just didn't appeal to me.  I'm far too independent for that. I would rather it just be me and my kids. I wouldn't mind dating, but a long-term (1yr +) relationship? Marriage? I'm just not sure. I get bored after awhile, and I would like to have my own life, my own decisions, etc. If I want to paint the living room blue, I don't want to have to go through a week of discussion first.

    Do any of you aspire to be single-mothers? Anybody think I'm crazy?


     

Monday, 04 May 2009

  • Ancient at 18

    As the title suggests, I am 18 years old. I'll be 19 in June. I just finished my first year of college.

    And a friend of mine from high school just got engaged.

    He was in my class! I've known him since we were 11! I've known him through braces and mommy-approved bowl cuts. I've known all his past girlfriends, including his...fiance. OMG he has a fiance!!!

    Now, this girl is 2 grade levels older than him (she transferred and skipped a grade and whatever else, but she's not 2 years older), so I can kind of understand it...kind of, but it is totally freaking me out that someone from my senior class is comfortable committing to one person for the rest of their life! They are really good for eachother and he is extremely mature for his age, but I still think it's a tad soon for him to be making that decision, even though he will be 20 in August (I'm young for my grade, yea I know). For her it isn't though, so again, I understand. Age doesn't really matter much to me anyway. It's just a number and, if they make it work, great for them. They have just as good a chance as anybody.

    What's freaking me out is not when he's engaged, but that someone from my class can be engaged! I am old enough for that to be possible!! Now, I have been with my current bf for a year and a half, only a few months shy of how long the newly engaged couple have been together, and I am no where near ready for that commitment. At all. I know everyone is different and I will be ready in my own time, but I still can't help but feel like I'm falling behind. Like life is just one big ticking clock...and my watch is slow. I mean, I could be attending their wedding in a year or so (I don't actually know what the date is, but I figure it will be soon after she finishes college)!

    Have any of you ever felt like this, whether it be a friend getting engaged or something else?


     

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